Below you will find: It is tragic, our hearts are broken. Not your normal Blog post and I apologize, but raising awareness and removing the stigma associated with mental health, could help bring something good from this horrible event we have just experienced. My daughter wrote this loving obituary to her "soulmate."
John Evans Bratholm
February 09, 1960 - February 12, 2018
John Evans Bratholm
John was a religious man who did not wear it on his sleeve. He is survived by his soulmate for life,
Tammi Bratholm, his children, Johnny, Randi (grandson Jackson) Rosemary, Jake, Erika, sister Connie
Harmon (Rick), mother and father in-law Jo and Don Records, his many in-laws, nieces and nephews,
cousins, and his “brothas from anotha mother” Brian Neeley and Tony Powell. John is predeceased by
his parents Connie and Lud Bratholm, brother-in-law Mike Horner, and countless dear friends.
John and I met at St. Joe's in the mental health unit, August 18, 1994, both suffering from severe depression. The day after I was admitted, I came into the lunchroom and the first person I met was John. He was sitting at the table eating and offered me a seat. After I sat down, he offered me a single cookie in a bowl, saying “Would you like a bowl of cookie?” It was the first time I laughed since I was admitted.
After that, we moved on to group therapy, where we colored together, and knowing us, I doubt we stayed inside the lines. Of course John made jokes the entire time and got us in trouble constantly, until we were finally told we couldn't laugh. We were trouble from the get go.
John got out of the hospital first, but instead of saying goodbye forever, he kept coming back to visit me. Each time he came, he would bring me a gift. He saw I had holey socks and brought me socks; he even snuck in a razor so I could shave my legs: and he KNEW I couldn't survive without Cheetos balls. A month after I was released, John took me to Cannon Beach. We had separate rooms, but that didn't last long! A week later he got down on one knee with a ring and asked me to marry him. A short seven weeks later, we shared our vows. We've been married 23 years. We became a blended family - his, mine and ours. Our marriage was an imperfect love story. We faced many tragedies, setbacks, and disappointments, but we stuck together and through it all managed to get things back on track with love and humor. Our love just worked.
John loved his family and our children with all his heart. The difficulties and joys of blending a family are known to many of us. John and I brought our own strengths to the relationship and did the best we could with what we had. Because John and I loved each other so deeply, we were thrilled when we found out that I was pregnant with Erika. She is a child of that love and when she was born, it was a blessing, adding to the love we had built with Johnny, Randi, Rosemary, and Jake. We learned to become a family. It wasn't always easy, but it was always worth it and something we worked hard to achieve. Again, imperfect, as are all families. John's love for his children is deep and will continue on forever.
John was the one in our marriage who was able to care for me in ways no one else could. My role was to love and build him up, make him feel the love all around him, and help him to see the incredible impact he had on every person he met. He often struggled to feel this love and masked his pain and difficulties with jokes and laughter, as is common with many who face depression. Robin Williams comes to mind - few people knew he was hurting until it was too late to help him. Most who knew John saw him as a
John and I met at St. Joe's in the mental health unit, August 18, 1994, both suffering from severe depression. The day after I was admitted, I came into the lunchroom and the first person I met was John. He was sitting at the table eating and offered me a seat. After I sat down, he offered me a single cookie in a bowl, saying “Would you like a bowl of cookie?” It was the first time I laughed since I was admitted.
After that, we moved on to group therapy, where we colored together, and knowing us, I doubt we stayed inside the lines. Of course John made jokes the entire time and got us in trouble constantly, until we were finally told we couldn't laugh. We were trouble from the get go.
John got out of the hospital first, but instead of saying goodbye forever, he kept coming back to visit me. Each time he came, he would bring me a gift. He saw I had holey socks and brought me socks; he even snuck in a razor so I could shave my legs: and he KNEW I couldn't survive without Cheetos balls. A month after I was released, John took me to Cannon Beach. We had separate rooms, but that didn't last long! A week later he got down on one knee with a ring and asked me to marry him. A short seven weeks later, we shared our vows. We've been married 23 years. We became a blended family - his, mine and ours. Our marriage was an imperfect love story. We faced many tragedies, setbacks, and disappointments, but we stuck together and through it all managed to get things back on track with love and humor. Our love just worked.
John loved his family and our children with all his heart. The difficulties and joys of blending a family are known to many of us. John and I brought our own strengths to the relationship and did the best we could with what we had. Because John and I loved each other so deeply, we were thrilled when we found out that I was pregnant with Erika. She is a child of that love and when she was born, it was a blessing, adding to the love we had built with Johnny, Randi, Rosemary, and Jake. We learned to become a family. It wasn't always easy, but it was always worth it and something we worked hard to achieve. Again, imperfect, as are all families. John's love for his children is deep and will continue on forever.
John was the one in our marriage who was able to care for me in ways no one else could. My role was to love and build him up, make him feel the love all around him, and help him to see the incredible impact he had on every person he met. He often struggled to feel this love and masked his pain and difficulties with jokes and laughter, as is common with many who face depression. Robin Williams comes to mind - few people knew he was hurting until it was too late to help him. Most who knew John saw him as a
happy-go-lucky man, full of humor and heart, but in his private moments he stressed about events. He had
stage fright and doubt before every public event but I bet few of you ever knew that. It is difficult to
reconcile John's private struggles with the laughing, funny, supportive man with the the most generous
heart of anyone I knew.
Those who face depression often do not show a despondent, sad face to the public, and sometimes not even to the people closest to them. The high suicide rates we are currently seeing in this nation are people who tried to handle their emotions alone, fearing the stigma associated with mental illness. It is not weakness to ask for help, but often they see it as such. The world is a difficult place where common decency and kindness are a dying art. If sharing John's story can help even one other person realize that despite life's difficulties, our time here on earth is a mixed-bag of challenge and tragedy, happiness, love, and in John's case a huge dose of laughter. I would like John to be remembered for the joy he brought to all of us with his unfailing humor, crazy antics, and enormous heart, but the other parts of John he did not reveal are just as much a part of who he was.
John's difficulties are not unique. Our family's loss is felt by many other families who have gone through the same thing with their loved ones. Other people's despair is being messaged to me throughout this tragedy, telling me they share that despair, have family members with mental illness, and have lost loved ones to suicide. They understand the complexities of mental illness, they understand our family's pain, deeply and personally, because of their own losses and struggles. I want to thank everyone who has reached out during this very difficult time.
Since John's passing, this quote has been running through my mind: Love Always Wins. It does not end with a loved one's passing. It is eternal. An endless, beautiful force that will continue to lift our family and friends as we remember all of the wonderful, hilarious, uniquely John moments only he could create.
Please reach out to others if you are hurting and the weight of life's difficulties becomes too much to bear. We are here for you. With love in our hearts, each of us can choose compassion for those who are struggling. We can choose to build people up rather than tearing them down with judgement, intolerance, and a lack of understanding. It is my hope that the tragic loss of our beloved John will result in a higher purpose. __________________________________________
I urge you to become more educated regarding mental health. It has already reached epidemic proportions in the United States and we are not alone in the devastation left behind for families. I can assure you, no one intends to leave behind the the terrible consequences once this act has been accomplished. It reaches a point, in my experience, that our mind can totally convince itself that the world is better off without our presence and the burden that we feel we are to others by merely being alive.
Why is it that so many people suffer so many varieties of mental health issues? Why haven't more answers been found? Treatment actually is limited once a search is initiated and one door closes after another. Help? Too often the help extended becomes medication of potent drugs with too little follow up. During a crisis, admission to a hospital usually involves a 7 day (limit) of in-patient hospital care, administering different drugs hoping something might work. How can this possibly be effective, when most of those drugs require two or more weeks to get into one's system, as well as, about the same to withdraw. Seven days does not even allow that process time enough to know what if any affect a particular drug might have on different individuals. Unfortunately, the wrong "cocktail" can have drastic results. Our system is broken, hands are tied and it continues to happen. Our chaotic world, and the lifestyles it seems to create seem to only lead to more and more chaos. And.....to broken hearts.
Our John, suffered silently,( noticeably to some) many years following his first admission to a hospital for that first attempt. He did try various medications, but it all became too much as life compounded. My daughter fortunately does have many memories of good times they did share...but now what? Cliches serve no purpose compared to her loss. She does not want to hear things like, "time heals,etc." John's second attempt was final.
Her community in Washington State has been overwhelmingly outstanding! If only he had believed he was worthy of such love, but he could not even see it. Many efforts are taking place to help her financially. Many families are under equal burdens encountered in this "dog eat dog" world. Do you think raising awareness and learning once again to never assume how we would behave in a given situation would be a step in the right direction? How can we stand by and do nothing?
As an addition, often during this type of stressful, emotional and tragic event signs of mental health issues arise in others, as well. That happened in our case and let me tell you, it is not pretty. The loss only becomes greater all around.
My own attempt to be more supportive is to contribute artwork to an Auction to be held in her community on March 24th. I hope to gather other art or handmade items to donate as her community continues to generously come to her aid knowing the living still have obligations that must be met. If anyone cares to join in, I will greatly appreciate your kindness. I must know by the 19th of March so I can text any photos/starting bids,etc to the organizers prior to our making the trip on March 23rd.
Wish I could share with you all the things her town, family, friends, even unknowns have done to be of assistance. A small town that really knows how to come together when needed. John and my daughter, always were right beside them often leading the way. If you care to see the outpouring accomplished in these two past weeks, your welcome to go to my Facebook connection, and then click into Tammi Brathold. It is simply amazing and uplifting.
Thank you for listening.....and.....if anyone needs to share, we can care by listening, too.
Those who face depression often do not show a despondent, sad face to the public, and sometimes not even to the people closest to them. The high suicide rates we are currently seeing in this nation are people who tried to handle their emotions alone, fearing the stigma associated with mental illness. It is not weakness to ask for help, but often they see it as such. The world is a difficult place where common decency and kindness are a dying art. If sharing John's story can help even one other person realize that despite life's difficulties, our time here on earth is a mixed-bag of challenge and tragedy, happiness, love, and in John's case a huge dose of laughter. I would like John to be remembered for the joy he brought to all of us with his unfailing humor, crazy antics, and enormous heart, but the other parts of John he did not reveal are just as much a part of who he was.
John's difficulties are not unique. Our family's loss is felt by many other families who have gone through the same thing with their loved ones. Other people's despair is being messaged to me throughout this tragedy, telling me they share that despair, have family members with mental illness, and have lost loved ones to suicide. They understand the complexities of mental illness, they understand our family's pain, deeply and personally, because of their own losses and struggles. I want to thank everyone who has reached out during this very difficult time.
Since John's passing, this quote has been running through my mind: Love Always Wins. It does not end with a loved one's passing. It is eternal. An endless, beautiful force that will continue to lift our family and friends as we remember all of the wonderful, hilarious, uniquely John moments only he could create.
Please reach out to others if you are hurting and the weight of life's difficulties becomes too much to bear. We are here for you. With love in our hearts, each of us can choose compassion for those who are struggling. We can choose to build people up rather than tearing them down with judgement, intolerance, and a lack of understanding. It is my hope that the tragic loss of our beloved John will result in a higher purpose. __________________________________________
I urge you to become more educated regarding mental health. It has already reached epidemic proportions in the United States and we are not alone in the devastation left behind for families. I can assure you, no one intends to leave behind the the terrible consequences once this act has been accomplished. It reaches a point, in my experience, that our mind can totally convince itself that the world is better off without our presence and the burden that we feel we are to others by merely being alive.
Why is it that so many people suffer so many varieties of mental health issues? Why haven't more answers been found? Treatment actually is limited once a search is initiated and one door closes after another. Help? Too often the help extended becomes medication of potent drugs with too little follow up. During a crisis, admission to a hospital usually involves a 7 day (limit) of in-patient hospital care, administering different drugs hoping something might work. How can this possibly be effective, when most of those drugs require two or more weeks to get into one's system, as well as, about the same to withdraw. Seven days does not even allow that process time enough to know what if any affect a particular drug might have on different individuals. Unfortunately, the wrong "cocktail" can have drastic results. Our system is broken, hands are tied and it continues to happen. Our chaotic world, and the lifestyles it seems to create seem to only lead to more and more chaos. And.....to broken hearts.
Our John, suffered silently,( noticeably to some) many years following his first admission to a hospital for that first attempt. He did try various medications, but it all became too much as life compounded. My daughter fortunately does have many memories of good times they did share...but now what? Cliches serve no purpose compared to her loss. She does not want to hear things like, "time heals,etc." John's second attempt was final.
Her community in Washington State has been overwhelmingly outstanding! If only he had believed he was worthy of such love, but he could not even see it. Many efforts are taking place to help her financially. Many families are under equal burdens encountered in this "dog eat dog" world. Do you think raising awareness and learning once again to never assume how we would behave in a given situation would be a step in the right direction? How can we stand by and do nothing?
As an addition, often during this type of stressful, emotional and tragic event signs of mental health issues arise in others, as well. That happened in our case and let me tell you, it is not pretty. The loss only becomes greater all around.
My own attempt to be more supportive is to contribute artwork to an Auction to be held in her community on March 24th. I hope to gather other art or handmade items to donate as her community continues to generously come to her aid knowing the living still have obligations that must be met. If anyone cares to join in, I will greatly appreciate your kindness. I must know by the 19th of March so I can text any photos/starting bids,etc to the organizers prior to our making the trip on March 23rd.
Wish I could share with you all the things her town, family, friends, even unknowns have done to be of assistance. A small town that really knows how to come together when needed. John and my daughter, always were right beside them often leading the way. If you care to see the outpouring accomplished in these two past weeks, your welcome to go to my Facebook connection, and then click into Tammi Brathold. It is simply amazing and uplifting.
Thank you for listening.....and.....if anyone needs to share, we can care by listening, too.
8 comments:
Dear Jowe, My heart go's out to your daughter, her soul mate, family. I know pretty much in perspective way of what she, he is, was going through. My mother was mentally ill, I dealt with it all my life, thank God, I had my dad to lean on and help me threw my years of growing up and help me put a perspective on life in a good and kind way, He taught me to endure, to be true and kind to others as much as possible. Your Friend.
Thank you, Diana.
SO sorry to read this Jo, I had been wondering about you, and now I see why you haven't been around much! Love and healing prayers for your whole family!
Thank you, Amber. It definitely is a tragedy that happens far too often these troubled times. My daughter has had many similar stories shared, since she chose to be so open regarding this situation. We are choosing to try and have something meaningful evolve by being advocates the best we can. Mental Health is a real crisis and hidden too often. Removing the horrid stigma still associated with these diseases of the mind perhaps will eventually lead to better treatment options.
Again thank you.
I know Tammi, but never had the honor of knowing John. But I do know that they had great love for one another and that the love they shared made a difference in this world. Thank you for your candid sharing about a subject that is often hidden because of shame, confusion and lack of education and understanding. Hopefully you and your family sharing John's story will make a difference in many lives. My heart goes out to you all. Sometimes I think people say the wrong things because they simply don't know what to say. Please forgive all of us including me if we say things that are hurtful or insensitive. I know for myself, I would never want to cause further hurt or harm. I pray that God will comfort. Much love, Debbie Fabre
Thank you for spreading the awareness. So many suffer in silence and never get the help they need. I wish people would not make depression such a taboo thing. I am happy Tammi choose to share a very personal story.
https://adaa.org/raising-awareness#
I've never posted on a blog. It's posting as anonymous.. not truly... sending ♡ Mijha Ramos
Dear Debbie: Thank you, for your "knowing what to say." For myself, and others I have talked with, it is so much kinder to say something, rather than nothing at all. I realize we all can be insensitive at times, never really intending to offend, just as someone dealing with a tragic situation intends to erupt with their emotions during a difficult time. Your own words were not hurtful nor do they harm. I will make Tammi aware of your response and appreciate your supporting in regard to our being open in hopes it helps raise awareness. So much more healthy than the whispers often circulated with speculation surrounding situations of this type. Thank you with best regards.
jo
Mijha--Thank you for your response, as part of Don's and my family I really appreciated that you commented. Also, grateful you understand our sharing John's suffering and choice, as an effort to heighten awareness and help remove the stigma associated with not just depression, but all forms of Mental Health and the fact that it is a disease, no different than any other disease that so readily is accepted as needing research and a cure, not just a pill. In view of your own recent loss and your continued grieving, this is very thoughtful and much appreciated.
Love, jo
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